Friday, April 16, 2010

Dear Jillu,

A note of caution: This is a lengthy post and I have not made any effort to curb it! So go ahead only if you are game!

Kannamma, you are growing up so fast that it is totally unbelievable. Where have these past 2 1/4 years gone? Its gone by just like that before we could bat an eyelid.

You are acting so grown up these days,

Wanting to eat on your own and you do that as well, only its very messy and you got to learn the fine arts. But for now you are doing a great job and we are all proud of you. Ironically you don't want to eat dosa/chapathi by yrself. You want me to feed you that :)

Wanting to drink from a tumbler on your own. You have practised that so well by now. Only you still want to drink your Clompan (Complan) in your sipper. I donno why you want to do that, but I leave it at that and I am secretly happy about it. And the way you learnt is so unique! Our own water bottles were not safe from you ! Why, even our water can that we buy is not safe from you (yeah! you can very well reach it and we have no other higher place to keep it out of your reach)! You still take great delight in opening the water can tap yourself, fill the tumbler and then drink! Dont think we donno that you say you are thirsty only because you just want to open the tap!

Wanting to drink using a straw but could not ! It was so endearing to see you try and get frustrated in the restaurant that day because you were only blowing bubbles and nothing was coming in :). I thought this will take some time to crack but you disappointed me ! yes ! In BOTH ways ! One, you learnt how to, in the third attempt itself and crossed yet another milestone so soon and the second, I was not there when you learnt that :(. We were all in the hospital for your grandma and when I was with your paati in the room, you coolly decided to succeed, with yr dad and thaathaa looking on ! You were not being fair, Pattu.

Wanting to pick up every phone call that comes in, irrespective of the person or your familiarity with him/her. And you do it too, with such cool aplomb that the person at the other end is shell shocked and is rendered speechless for a moment at hearing you speak so boldly and ask so loudly "Nee yeppo vare?" (When are you coming?) . I think we should control this aspect of you, lest you invite trouble home :). And god forbid if any one else picks up the landline at home. (yeah!, we can kind of escape with the mobile) You see to it that we cannot complete even a simple exchange that we automatically ask (sorry, beg!) the caller to hang up and call again so that you can pick it up. Yeah this did happen! But you have a quick learner in yr mom and she knows how to behave from then on ! Only she won't think (or rather turn a blind eye, sorry blind ear, no no, deaf ear, ooopppsss atlast) of the plight of other callers who do not know of yr existence ! well, thats their fate, isn't it ?

Your memory power is increasing day by day and i see you co relating so many things that its amazing. You are able to recollect past events and re produce it as well. You understand a lot more things and you are also starting to get the bigger picture. For instance you understand that my mom and dad do not stay here always and that they have their own home. It pains me every time you show me that you understand more than we gave you credit for. (And it also really pains me when you start talking about some character in a serial with my mom and also say that "Adhu vera serial". Serious concern, this is ! )

You are completely potty trained( well, you have been for almost over a year now!) but still not susu trained ! I am still pondering whether I should be happy about it or not :) But you are so cute when you say "Nee varaadha yenna? bathroom ku ? ingeye wait pannu" (Do not come to the bath room. Wait here) at those times when we urge you to use the loo. This is one milestone that I wouldn't mind you crossing any sooner. Yeah, I know you are thinking that there's no pleasing me ! If you do, its bad and if you don't do also, its bad! But, what to do, thats your Amma and you got to live with that :)

And your communication ! its mind blowing ! the way you speak and communicate is so advanced ! (Or am i biased?) You have gone so far as to ask me
- when something dropped on the floor, "Nee dhoppi pottiyaa illa adhuvaa vizhundhudhaa?" (Did you drop it on the floor or did it fall on its own ?)
- when I browse the net "Ne jillu ku yenna panni tharalaam nu yosikiriyaa? (Are you thinking what to cook for Jillu ?)" (when you see some fancy pics with food stuffs - those are called recipes, dear)

I can go on and on.. about you wearing your sandals on your own, playing on the slide on your own, washing your hands on your own and so on and so forth. Every passing minute, every day,  reinforces the fact that you are growing up fast, that I am not able to (dont want to) catch up with you. 

SO what do i do for my own sanity?

I dont correct you when you say "vikkal varudhu" (I have hiccups) when in fact what you should be saying is "Dhaagam yedukkardhu" (I am thirsty)
I don't correct you when you say "Clompan" for "Complan"
I don't correct you when you say "tsaw" for "straw"
I don't correct you when you get your rhymes lyrics incorrect
I don't object when you say "Amma kitta, Ammma madila" (Amma's lap) and then you eat your chapathi sitting on my lap while I feed you
I don't object that you still drink your milk/Complan from your sipper but use tumbler for all others
I dont enlighten you when you say "Adhukku mela tsaw la varaadhu" (I cant use the straw beyond this) when the glass is 3/4 empty and you proceed to drink straight from the glass
I sometimes don't enlighten you when you ask your never ending set of questions! :(
I dont even attempt to change your bed time routine! I don't think I can withstand right now if you outgrow the habit of crawling and rolling all over me and finally settling down on me to sleep!

You are my baby and I have always looked at you as an extension of me and thats what I see when i look at you ! Yet, lately, I also see (force myslef to) you becoming your own person with your own individuality ! A person with your own mind ! And thats when it tears me apart !!! Because I have to let go ! I want to protect you from all the hurt, the disappointments, the ugliness in this world both now and for ever! But I know thats very selfish of me and I wouldn't be doing justice to you as well! I know that I have to let go, at all appropriate times, at each stage. I know that I have to grow up as well along with you and match you each step of the way!

And on a lighter note, 

Just when these thoughts are running riots in my mind, and while I am valiantly trying to tell myself to learn to let go and lecturing myself, what do you do?  you upset the whole proceedings by making me watch Yosada clinging to Krishna and refusing to let him go to Mathura!!! You are innocently lying on my lap with no worries, completely unaware of my internal thoughts and struggle, leaving me to deal with the  one-on-one scene between Krishna and Yasoda, where Yasoda out pours and bestows all her maternal love on him and exactly echoes my own thoughts and feelings (Pal ooti, thaalaati, seeraati and all that mushy stuff). I didn't need that dosage right then, Jillu ! Any other time, I am sure I could have handled it !

And to cap it all, you suddenly turn, look at me and ask me "Nee azhariyaa Amma ?" (Are you crying, Amma?)


A journey called Life said...

awwww Lavs.. what a senti post.. the last line, that triggered the water works..

they really grow so much in the first few years that it really is difficult to keep pace and we want to hold on to every single thing that indicates that they are still toddlers.. sigghhh..

you have written this so well, i mean u really do not have to make an effort when there is such a free flow of emotions..

Shilpa said...

so very sweet post lavanya... I totally adore jillu.... Jillu u r a sweet gal.... be the same always.... lots of love and hugs :)

Swetha Guptha said...

"And to cap it all, you suddenly turn, look at me and ask me "Nee azhariyaa Amma ?" (Are you crying, Amma?)"

No words!!!! The motherly feel is itself a bliss!!! Ensoi Madi!!

Anonymous said...

I can fully understand what you are going through:) Children jump from one milestone to another in a wink! Take cheer, for there are more nice things coming your way:))

Anonymous said...

Excellent one!!

Anonymous said...

excellent one,lots of love to u n jillu!!!

JB said...

very nice one lavanya..
its always good to write down wat u feel and glad that you did..keep writing...

Lavanya Sriram said...

@AJCL : yeah ! wish they could be toddlers for ever ! and thank you :) but what i intended to write is very different from what i published ! so here it goes ! I think one needs proper skills for the writing to come out as one intended :)

@Shilpa :Thank you, Shilpa, much appreciated!

@Swetha : Bliss indeed ! though it has its fair share of other moments as well!

@Vidya : thats definitely something to look forward to :)

@ambulisammma : Thank you :)

@JB : Oh yes ! these will prove be a great read in my old age :)

chennaigirl said...

Wonderful post lavs. U have a very good style of writing. And yes even today when i recollect the new-born image of P, a lump forms in my throat. Sometimes it seems to be a distant image.

Lavanya Sriram said...

@CG : Thank you CG.

//yes even today when i recollect the new-born image of P, a lump forms in my throat. //

so very true :(

Swaram said...

Oh Lavs, this is so touching .. just cud nt afford to miss reading every word.

Her communication skills r awesome no?
LOl @ u dropped it or did it fall on its own .. ha ha ... she is totally unbelievable :)


WoW! That was one power packed blog. Too bad you still lost to Sivaji Ganesan in Mrudanga Chakravarthi on acting skills :P

Lavanya Sriram said...

@Swaram : :). yeah ! everyday she springs us some surprise or the other!

@L_R : unfair to announce the winner without witnessing all participants :)


I cant believe this! You want to compete with Sivaji of Mrudanga Chakravarthi!! Why Lavanya why?

Lavanya Sriram said...

LR : how can there be a winner/loser with no competition ? :)